Seriously.

I have never wanted Cole to grow up without the influence and relationship of a father. This is why I stayed with Andrew for so long, I wanted Cole to have a family.

Now that Andrew and I have split, Andrew has not spent more than a few days at a time with his son, and lately not even a couple of hours.

What can be going through someone's head that they don't want to see their child, or don't try hard enough to come around? Or that they wouldn't pay any child support, are you not concerned about your child and if they are eating, have clothes, or a place over his head?

It is sickening to me. It really is. But for me, I have to be strong for Cole. I am his mommy and daddy and I have to continue to provide through everything, and give Cole the example he needs to be successful in life. I love that little man more than anything in the world, I hope he can grow up realizing that I've done everything to be there for him.

Xo,

C

Since the last.

It has been a busy, hectic, and dramatic last 7 months since I've posted. I'm worlds away in my life since then, and I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I was. So many things have changed, I don't even know how to update!

Since then, Andrew and I have split up for good. We haven't lived together since November, and it was definitely a dramatic split. As of now, I'm only trying to be civil with him, but let me tell you how hard that can be when I feel like I'm still just doing everything on my own. 

I've dated here and there, but nothing has stuck, which is fine. I know good things take time, I'm allowed to be picky, and I will find him when everything is right.

Now for the good stuff: Cole. Ahh, he is almost 3 years old. I can't even wrap my head around it. I'm almost a mom to a 3 year old. 3 years isn't a long time on the spectrum of life, but when I put it in terms of where I was 5 years ago, and where we are now, 3 years is a lifetime! Cole has such a personality, and he definitely keeps my hands full! I'm so in love with him, and even on the worst and most trying days, he can make me feel so special. 

He is getting so big and is such a mini me!

Other than Cole and work, my summer is starting off very laid back, but I am so thankful for that. I've had some hard days, and I'm starting to feel the light. 

I just moved to a place, just Cole and I, and it just feel so right. We've only been here a couple of days, but it is home. The last two places have a lot of negativity built in to them, so I'm excited to build this home with love and family. 

I'm hoping to keep writing, because I need this release, but also I promised an English teacher I would. Let me tell ya, she is one hard bitch, I would not want to disappoint, and I want to keep my word.

Xo,

C

Baby boy.

In a little more than 12 hours, I will officially have a 2 year old. Um, what? Yeah, 2. Agh, I can't believe it, AT ALL. My little baby is a baby no more. He's talking, running, singing, drumming, etc. He is crazy! He puts sentences together, learns words just by listening to people's conversations, and is just such a big boy!
I'm so proud of be this little one's mama! To think that 2 years ago, I was in the hospital at this time having contractions. I was actually waiting to get my water broken so my labor would progress! And now here I am, entering the terrible 2's with my gorgeous son.
As I sit here, he's throwing a tantrum, and the next minute, he's coming up to me saying "Hi mama, wah you mama." How can I get mad at that? ;)
I'm so excited to see what this next year brings for my family and I! We had a birthday party for Cole this past Sunday, so as soon as I get all of the pictures, I will post a couple here :)

xoxo
C

These are trying times, people.

Gah. These days have been so frustrating. I don't know if I'll make it through terrible two's. Not only that, but I'm stuck in my house all.day.long. I don't hang out with anyone, I don't even really have friends anymore! It's so maddening and I don't even know what to do. I find myself so short-tempered lately, and I feel like a lot of times it goes toward my sweet baby, which is not fair. Sure, he is more frustrating than ever, but it sure doesn't help that I will occasionally just yell. That does nothing! But, Cole is crazy these days. I mean seriously, I never knew that a toddler could make me cry at least once every day. He throws the worst fits, especially in front of people. He'll throw himself, hit me, scream bloody, and so many other things, it's so embarrassing. I almost always break down right there. It's just so hard to feel like a strong or good mom when those things are happening. It really breaks my heart every time. My sweet boy is not-so sweet anymore.

I'm going to keep trying to do my best, but soon, I think it will get to be too much. I need to get out more, even if it is just myself, so I don't get so overwhelmed with home. I also need to start working more so I don't feel so incompetent around here. It's just so hard only having one car. Who would've known that even at this age, I still feel like life is ahead of me, we're playing a game, and I have no idea how to play. I know I'm so young, but it's a frustrating feeling having such  grown up responsibilities without having the years or knowledge. I don't know if I really want these responsibilities anymore, and that's also frustrating, I made a choice that is here for the rest of my life without even thinking about any consequences, but here it is, laid in front of me, for the rest of my life.

I know this is kind of "complain-y" and sounds like I may just want to give Cole "up", but I don't. I made the decision to keep him when I did, and that means I'll keep him throughout the terrible two's and the even worse teenage years ;). Thanks for reading my rantings. Anyone else feeling like this lately?