Sunday, May 30, 2010

I'm so scared of growing up.


I've been really thinking about actually growing up lately. I want to be as mentally prepared for my new life as possible. Every day, my due date is getting closer and closer. It doesn't seem like it's that close, but August will be here before I know it. June's already around the corner! I'm scared, anxious, nervous, but happy and almost ready for what's coming my way: a new baby, bills, extra work, more responsibilities, and less freedom. Well, almost no freedom. :/ I'm not too worried about my freedom though. I've learned to really accept spending a lot more time at home and I now actually prefer that.
The thing I'm really worried about is money & how I will be as a mother..
It's a scary thought, that I so young, will be caring for someone else now. Someone that is going to need me 24/7 365 days. I think I will enjoy it, though. I've always been that kind of person that longs to be needed by someone else. That's why I think I kind of like that Andrew needs me so much. It makes me love him that he's sort of helpless. Although, I know he's not & he could make for himself if he truly wanted to. I just think he likes me taking care of him though. :)

Money isn't coming to me so easy lately, though. My job is giving me only about 10-15 hours a week which is about 100-120 dollars a week. Paying for gas & my bills, drains me of everything I earn. How am I supposed to get Cole's stroller, carseat, bouncer, swing, and pack N play? I know not alll of those things are necessary, but I want Cole to be a happy AND comfortable baby. Also, when I move to Lincoln in the spring of next year, I'm scared that rent & day care will also drain me. I won't have as much time to work because I'll be going to school full-time, & I'm scared that college won't work out for me. I hope it does, because I really want to make a future for Cole & I & hopefully Andrew, if he wants to be a part of our family. Which I reallllly hope he would LOVE to be a part of me & Cole forever. Atleast Cole. It would break my heart if Andrew left me, but it would just KILL me if Andrew left Cole. I don't see either of those things happening though, because Andrew has really been trying a little bit harder each day to make things right. It seems like he's actually starting to go through with his job search and actually FILLING OUT the applications, and he's spending A LOT more time with me, and even my family. It's amazing!

He doesn't call me mommy yet, but he will when he's actually here & ready :)

Exciting events coming up for me!:

Get to see my little sisters June 6 or 7!
1st baby shower, July 1

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


Today I was on a teen mom's formspring website. I was reading some of the questions and I came across one that mentioned the new 16 & Pregnant, stating that MTV has decided to put a disclaimer on the show because they feel that many girls are getting pregnant on purpose for the show. WOW. Why would any girl want to get pregnant on purpose?! The whole purpose for the shows "16 & Pregnant" and "Teen Mom" are to show the struggles that young women face being young parents. It isn't to encourage young girls to get pregnant for fame. I think a lot of girls may be getting the wrong message from these shows. Many girls are not purposely getting prego?! Rediculous...

Anyway, I woke up today with my feet throbbing and sore. I got up and right away felt the pain in my feet. It's horrible! I'm in some real pain. I think it all came from baby sitting Grey, Andrew's little brother, yesterday. He's a little monster (in a gooooood way) and keeps me busy, but also made me tired, :). Oh well, a little taste of what Cole will be like in a year!
I'm hoping I can get enough money though, because I'm wanting to go to Texas on the second week of June and also, I still have to pay my bills! Uggh. I hate the "real world" sometimes. Oh well, I think I will go shower now, and put my feet back up. Hopefully I can get a foot rub later :D have a good day*

Saturday, May 22, 2010

What's up?

I wish...

  • I wish Cole was here already.
  • I wish I wasn't so uncomfortable.
  • I wish Andrew would give me more foot rubs & massages.
  • I wish Kaila Puente would pay my mom back the $500 she owes her.
  • I wish I could go out & party!
  • I wish I had all of the money in the world.
  • I kind of wish I was married to Andrew.
  • I wish that my life could go perfect.
  • I wish I didn't have stretch marks.
  • I wish Andrew was here right now.
  • I wish I didn't need to wish these things....

I've just been thinking a lot lately. Earlier today I even got emotional in my car on the way to work. Not really sure why, but it was weird. Ahh, I guess I'll just keep trying my best in everything...

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Just lounging...

..just got out of the shower and I reallyyyy don't want to go to work. I'm only thinking about the money, but I'm so exhausted lately. I don't know if it's because I'm in my third trimester now, or what. I just hope I can start sleeping better.

Any suggestions from other mamas? I NEED IT! :D

Anyway, tomorrow is my next doctor's appt & my doc, Dr. Kenna, is on maternity leave (haha) and so i will be seeing a GUY doctor. The only reason I'm a little nervous is because I've had Dr. Kenna for like 6 months now, & to change to a guy is weird. Hopefully this appt he won't have to look at my cooter... :/

Oh well, only 2 months 3 weeks and 3 days left until baby Cole is here.


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I would just like to take the time to...


Thank those that have really really been there for me!

my mama: She's been the rock behind me since I was born & she's still there for her babygirl thru my pregnancy! I love her so much. She helps so much with money, taking care of me, and overall just being supportive

My 2nd mama, Stephanie: ever since she found out I was pregnant, she was supportive & has helped out a tons & I know she will continue to support Andrew & I. I love you!

Chelsey: She's the one that bought me the pregnancy test & made me take it when I missed my period. She's been my best friend since 7th grade & will continue to be there for me AND Cole. LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Briana: Although we've only been best friends for like 2 years, I know I can trust you with anything. You didn't abandon me when I got prego (like other people) just because I couldn't party or go out as much anymore. I love you so much for that.

Ashley Kuck: you're my baby mama friend! with out me getting pregnant, we probably wouldn't of gotten as close as we have, but I'm glad we did. You've helped me a lot thru my pregnancy because you went thru it just before me! <33

Brianda: my other baby mama friend! I can't wait until we start yoga together. It's really nice to have someone else be right next to me, in the same spot in our pregnancy. someone to talk to & be emotional with! <3

Love of my life. I know its hard for you to have all of the attention on me & baby, but you're being a good boyfriend & I can really see a lot of changes you're making for me & Cole. I love youuuu!

Thanks to everyone who's been there for me! love everyone.
have a good dayyy*

Friday, May 14, 2010

It's been awhile...


Ahh, I'm so excited! It's the best feeling ever to be DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL. Especially when I'm about to have a baby. I feel a huge weight off of my shoulders. Now I can just focus on resting, making money, myself, Andrew, and of course, baby Cole. I'm very excited, but I'm also getting VERY nervous to have Cole. But I'm getting myself ready. And although I believe that I will never be fully ready to have a baby at this age, or honestly any age, but I'm trying really hard to be "grown-up". Or as grown up as an 18 year old can be.

Anyway, work is getting better. I'm getting some more hours, even though it's still hard to make my 2 payments every month. I'm going to have to ask my mom to make one of them this month AGAIN, because my check this week isn't enough to cover both of my payments that are due NEXT TUE & WED.

On the lighter side, Andrew's turning 18 on Monday. dun dun dunnn....
that means he has to FINALLY tell his dad I'm pregnant. I wonder how mad his dad will be.. I WOULD BE LIVID. Especially because I'm 27 weeks pregnant, I feel that he hasn't gotten a chance to be a part of his first grandson's life. Even though Cole isn't born yet, he's technically a human being. I don't know, I guess we'll find out next week what's going to happen....

I can't think of anything else to update on except that Andrew & I are doing better than usual. He's been really making me happy lately & proud. He's really starting to think about the baby and the future and what not. We'll see if he actually goes thru with anything though..I hope so, he needs a job. I need the extra lil bit of money. :p but oh well, I can be an independent mama if I need to be!

Alllllright, I'm going to go look for my boyfriend now, since apparently he's going to be partying all night because it's his birthday weekend...WISH ME LUCK! goodnight*

Sunday, May 2, 2010


Isn't it sad when I'm sitting here thinking about how much I don't really love my life right now & I think "i need to blog"...? hahah. i laughed at myself.
Well, anyway, my life is the same. Andrew still has no job & no money and I'm still trying to make enough to pay my own bills and save up for the baby.
It sucks because I don't know how much longer I can put up with being the "caretaker" of our "little family." I'm sick of being the man in the relationship ha. Oh well, whatever. I knew what kind of person Andrew was before we got ourselves in this mess and now I have to deal with it.
I hate using the phrase "deal with it" because I guess, I don't know. It makes him sound like he's really hard to deal with. Which, he is at times, because he's one of the biggest ASSHOLES that I know. And I'm not using that term lightly. But I love the fucker so much. He's become my life because although from the outside he may just seem like a pest, he's not. (well not always). He does do a lot for me & he puts up with my pregnant, hormonal self. Which, well, he has to because he did get me pregnant in the first place. haaaa.

Anyway, I still feel kind of lonely dating him. It seems like he's there during the weekdays for me for an hour or two during the day & then it's his friends all the way. Then he'll come back to my house around 9 or 10 just to maybe watch a little bit of tv with me & then pass out. And don't get me started on the weekends! Psh, I barely see him then. His friends & habits dominate on the weekend while I'm working hard or just sitting at home waiting for a phone call! I'm pathetic sometimes, I think. I should just make other plans but it seems to never work out. When I do make other plans on the weekends, it seems like he actually wants to make time for me right away. But when I'm thinking oh maybe he'll actually hang out with me when I get off work, then he chooses his friends over me. I hate that.
What's so special about them? Nothing. I think most of his friends are low lifes. Not ALL of them. But a lot of his friends never even graduated from high school. & one of his friends, grrrr do I hate him, is always on his ass like HE'S his girlfriend! It's fucking rediculous! That's my job!

Last thing: my graduation party is tmr! I am SO excited. I can't believe I'm graduating in a week. And I only have 2 days of school left. WOW, how the time has flown. Next thing I know, I'll be having Cole & leaving my house for college & the real world.
I'm going to miss my mommyy.... :'(

Alright, well I hope everyone has a good night, good morning, good afternoon.