Saturday, April 24, 2010

rant rant rant. blah blah blah

I'm really upset today....
Yesterday, Andrew asked me to go to a movie with him tonight & that we were going to hang out right when I got off of work (which was 4)...
Didn't hear from him until 630, and then didn't hear from him again until 830. Neither times did he ask me to hang out & both times he called from his friends phones so he's obviously with always.
we were supposed to hang out last night too, but guess what? He was with his friends & he wasn't going to "just leave them like that". even though when his friends text my phone asking for him, Andrew is able to leave me like it's nothing. HA. love it. its fucking fantastic.
I'm sooo sick of coming in second & i'm so sick of crying over it! I should be used to being second. & the thing is I'm not even second. I'm like third or fourth.
Whaaaatever. Me & Cole deserve WAAAAY better than this. Hopefully Andrew will turn around & give us what we need & deserve, but if he doesn't, my patience is LOW and my tolerance is just about gone. I really don't know how much more I can take.. I really hate being sad just about every day.
I don't want to leave him, but damn, really. How many chances does he need to make us right? How many chances does he need until he can realize that I'm really really trying...for us?

:'( bye.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


somedays, I just want to give up. on school, on andrew, on the baby, but then I come to my sense and I'm just like WHAAAT am I thinking? I could NEVER give up on my baby Cole, there's no way. He's my number 1 priority. Because of him being my number 1, I don't want to give up on school or Andrew either. Sometimes it's just so hard with Andrew though, he can be so stubborn and such an ass. But through everything that has ever gone on between us, I know we both love each other SO much. and that's what makes me happy. I just hope he can buckle down and be a responsible dad. Although we still have 3.5 months to go, that 3.5 months will FLYYYY by. Next thing we know & my contractions will be starting. It's just crazy. HOPEFULLY, Andrew & I can keep working through all of our differences and stupid little fights and GROW UP. We are about to be parents after all! WOW.

Anyway, I'm getting super excited because I've been looking at furniture and strollers and car seats and CLOTHES of course. And Cole has been moving around so much lately and Andrew got to feel him last night :). He was so happy! I was too, it was awesome. Andrew even tried to feel Cole move while I was sleeping but that wasn't too succesful ha.
On top of being excited, I'm also very scared. Kind of scared of labor and pain, but more so of actually having a baby around and being a mom and money and moving out & college. It's just too crazy right now. I'm SCARED!

anywayyy, everyone have a good day, I should go do my homework now, bye!

Friday, April 16, 2010

ramble. *explicit*!


Ugh. I'm so pissed. I was SO excited for prom as you all knew and then BAM! today my excitedness was shattered. I talked to the Dean of students and a principal to ask if Andrew would be ok'd to come as my date because we have to get our dates ok'd if they don't go to GISH. Well anyway, they both told me that I would have to go to Mr. Jensen because they weren't sure because of the fact that he goes to the alternative school. Why does it matter what school he goes to when the only rules about an outside date is that they have to be 20 and under. Well, Mr. Jensen took one look at Andrew's name & said no because he quit going to GISH, so even if he was going to another school, he wasn't ok'd to go. Like wtf, what kind of karma is this for me. What did I do to deserve this? HONESTLY. Anyway, tonight, I found out that Mrs. Wells & Dr. Mann (2 of our principals) decided that they would ok a TWENTY ONE YEAR OLD to go. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! how is that not messed up. That's one of the legit, written rules and they MAKE AN EXCEPTION, but they won't let Andrew go because why?! he quit going to GISH. Fucking Mr Jensen, I think he just isn't letting Andrew go because he doesn't like him. Fuck him and GISH and the administration. Sorry for being disrespectful to my elders, but if they make an exception to the rule for one person, they shouldn't discriminite if they've dropped out or quit going to GISH. What does that have to do with going to Prom? I STILL GO TO SCHOOL. ITS MY FUCKING SENIOR PROM. One of my rights as a senior is to go to my prom with my choice of date as long as he's UNDER 21! And he meets the requirement.


like fucking have a heart. all I wanted was to go to my senior prom with my boyfriend & have a good time. BUT FUCK THAT. Guess GISH would rather me not be happy. fuck you guys then. can't wait to get out of that fucked up school.

thanks for letting me ramble, ha. goodnight.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


...I really hate getting in the writing mood, because the only times I really get in the mood for writing are when I'm super happy and I have something to tell, or when I'm super down or mad. and this is not a happy time.
I haven't seen Andrew since umm, thursday night. He ditched me last night...
and told me he was going home because he was sleepy and his stomach hurt. And then I find out he was out until 5 AM this morning! Thanks, boyfriend :(
Then today, he told me he'd call at 4, because that's what time I'd be getting at work...Um, look at the time stamp of this blog...It's almost 9 PM. Thanks again, boyfriend.
I don't want to be done with him, though. I guess I just don't think it's fair for me to actually get mad at him, because I've wronged him in the past, but I don't keep going. I stopped what I did. I regret it everyday, and I've devoted everything I have to him and this baby. Sometimes I just don't feel like its fair to me. Especially because I feel he hasn't devoted anything to me or this baby. I mostly hurt for my baby though. I don't feel that Andrew's gunna grow up soon. I don't blame him, though. We're only 18, its young and I of all people understand that. He doesn't realize that I'm in the same situation he's in..
But still, its not fair that we BOTH made this kid and I'm the one thats suffereing for it. I don't get to do the things we used to. And I'm the one that's working and going to school for Cole, and I feel that he has no motivation to do either. Not even having Cole is enough motivation for him.
I guess if everything doesn't work out, I won't be the one missing out. Andrew will be missing out on his son, and as sad as that makes me, it's the choice he's making. I just thank God everyday that his and my family are so supportive and I know if he's not going to be there, they will.
I love both of my families so much.

Anyway, another thing on my mind is PROM. I got my dress to fit, I'm getting it back on Monday and then I'm going to go look for jewelry. It's going to be a great night!

And guess what, May 4th is coming so soon (that's my last day of my high school career!) and May 9th is right after that. It's so amazing that I've been able to get through high school. CRAZY! COLLEGE, HERE I COME!!!


Wednesday, April 7, 2010


...I felt the baby kick from the outside! OMG, it was the coolest thing of my whole life. I wish Andrew would've been there to feel it but oh well. I got to feel my little Cole. He's so great, and I technically don't even know him yet. But I will in August. It couldn't come any quicker.

Well, Andrew and I ordered his tux yesterday and its great :).
It's white with black pinstripes and he has black and white shoes. they're great.

so excited for PROM! :)

Sunday, April 4, 2010

I feel so grown up.

I know it's only normal, because I'm pregnant, but it's so sad. I don't like feeling so grown up because all of my friends are still high school seniors and although we're all going to college (and they'll be going to college before me) I feel like I'm 30, while they're all still 18.
I also feel like I'm in a marriage with Andrew. It's not bad, but at the same time I'm trying to please him so much, I've forgotten about my friends. But anyway, all of my old friends are in to different things. Even Chelsey & Briana. I know Chels & I will always be the type of friends that haven't seen each other forever but talk about every day. But idk about Briana and I anymore. I'm losing her, and I can tell, ha. :/ It seems that she's always doing something else and I'll text her and a lot of times I won't even get a reply. Oh well, I guess it's whatever anymore. No one but me and maybe Andrew will be there when the baby's here. I guess that's all I should care about. I DON'T KNOW.

I've been so emotional lately. All I want to do is cry or be in a very great mood. it's crazy. UGH.
Oh well, tomorrow is a new day. Maybe it will be good, but very doubtful because it's monday. GOOOOOOOODNIGHT.

it's my baby!

Saturday, April 3, 2010


I got my first ultrasound thursday and it was amazing to see my baby. HE'S so cute! Andrew is so happy its a boy, he's LOVIN' it! I'm happy too.
At first, I really really wanted a girl, but once I felt that it was a boy, I was really happy with a boy. YAY. I'm so happy I can't even fathom it, really. It was great to see my baby. He's so cute and I can't wait to see how handsome he is outside of the ultrasound. ;alksdjf;lkafjd !!!!!

Today, Henry and I went shopping, kind of. I got a shirt and a cardigan, which isn't that much, but I got some clothes for the baby. 3 onesies that are super cute and a shirt and pants set that is my favorite. It's blue and brown and says "good looks run in the family". :) how cute.
I love shopping for my little one! He's going to be the best dressed baby.

Well anyway, I'm going to go lay down and what not. Nite! *