Friday, February 26, 2010

Hahahah, that's what I have to say.

You know what, I am so content with myself. Usually, if I hear that someone's talking shit about me (especially now if it has to do with my kid) I would walk right the fuck up to them and tell them they can say it to my face and then probably hit them for talking shit on me. Well anyway, today I hear that some bitches are saying shit about me and I'm like first of all, who the fuck are you? I don't know you, that means you definitely don't know who the fuck I am, so shut your fucking mouth. I hope they read this blog and feel good with themselves for being PUSSYs. If I knew who you were, I'd go up to you and say something. But I'm going to use something called self restraint. I never talk about how big of sluts they are, or how stuck up and stupid they act, which is really funny because that's bad, not being pregnant and strong. So I feel good, because even though I won't say anything to them, I don't say anything about them, because everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. I hope that they get their karma, whether I'm around to see it or not, they will get it. I hope they go to their calc class and make fun of me some more, because that shows whos the grown up one. Get over your high school fucking drama. We're not 12 anymore, girls. But that's your choice.

Phew, I feel better now. You know what? Through everything, I know I'm going to be ok. I feel so immune to a lot of things. And I even feel grown up about a lot of things. I'm over the high school shit, I'm too good for that. A lot of us are and we're over it.
Anyway, whether things work out with me and Andrew or not, whether people keep talking shit on me and my situation or not, or whether I will ever be the same person I used to be or not, doesn't even concern me anymore, I feel refreshed. My mind is open and I'm ready to have this baby. I feel so much stronger than my peers because they have no idea what this is like except for what I or others are telling them. I love my baby bean and that's what I'm living for now. <3
Have a good night everyone.

Thursday, February 25, 2010


Well, I'm taking a break from my term paper. I have gotten 3 pages done...that's it. It has to be atleast 10 pages to get an A on it. UGH.
Well anyway, I just wanted to take this little time to say I LOVE CHELSEY & BRIANA SO MUCH. They have stuck by my side as my REAL friends since they found out I was pregnant. Yeah, we still don't hang out as much, but they are still there for me and make me feel better even when my day is shittier than SHIT. lol.
Well I guess that's it for now, except for I think that I'm getting sick. I'm all stuffed up and I have a really back headache. Hope everyone is well, have a good night! <3

RE: Bashing boys

K, first off I'd like to say: Chase & Drew...didn't say anything bad about you. I didn't hear that you said anything bad about me, so why would I say anything about you. KellEn, yes I said that you are not perfect, but didn't you already know that?
IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY BLOG, DON'T READ IT! & That goes for anyone who doesn't like what I write. HELLO, no one is making you read it so don't, if you don't like it. Also, I'd like to say the point of my blog so everyone is clear: I don't care if anyone reads this or not. What I care about is that I get my feelings out somewhere. I could do it on paper, but I chose to do it here. Whether it's true or not, I believe that maybe another pregnant teenager can read this and not feel alone. This isn't for people to get butt hurt over or mad over & if you are getting mad over this, either you did something wrong to anger me, or you don't agree with an 18 year old being pregnant. Either way, I DON'T CARE. THIS IS FOR ME.
And for those of you who have been really supportive, I really appreciate you. Anyone that gives feedback on facebook or to my face at school have really brightened each day for me. My life is totally not the same and you have made it just a little bit better for the time being. THANK YOU & I LOVE YOU GUYS.
Also, one more thing: Sorry I mispelled Kellen in my blog before. Bye.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


Andrew came over last night, and it was good. Finally, right?
Um, didn't go to school today either, too tired. I took about a 3 hour nap yesterday and it felt greeeeeeat, but then it was hard to sleep and stay asleep last night. And now i have to work today :( I really don't want to, though. I'm sick of working at the Red, it's the same damn thing every day and I'm sick of people and ugh. I just want to stay home all day and do my thing.
I'm kind of excited for my maternity leave, though, I can't wait to have the baby and hold him and love him and spend time just mommy & baby. I'm so excited! It's amazing and I love being pregnant. With or without the support, I've got my baby! But I'd love the support anyway :) ha.
WELL, I think I will go now, and keep eating the day away until I go to work. Bleh. :( Ha, ook, bye!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


To this minute right now, I still haven't seen Andrew. He says that he's going to come over in like 30 minutes but psh, doubt that's going to happen. It sucks.
I've been thinking a lot lately and I don't know what to do about anything. I don't even know where to start. I'm sick of filling out a million papers about my income, my parents income, and random questions on who what where when why I need the help with college and stuff. Ugh, I wish I could just say "YES I NEED FINANCIAL HELP. I'M NOT LYING!" It's horrible, I'm so sick of it.
I've decided to give Andrew a ultimatum, because I'm sick of him being supportive one day and then unsupportive & problematic for 5 days. So tonight if he comes over I will tell him "You can either step up, be there for me every day, or get out and not make me suffer from the stress you bring everyday." I'm not sure I'm ready to have him out of my life, but I can't think about me, not anymore. It's about my baby and I can't be so stressed out every day and crying because that's not good for the baby. So, if he's not going to be a good boyfriend, I'm done. As much as I love him and want my baby to know his/her daddy, idk if that will happen.
I'm just sick of Andrew letting me down. And it's not like every day, I understand that, but it's the majority of the time. But I guess I'll stop worrying about it. I just need to worry about my baby. Ahh, I love you my little baby bean :)
Well yesterday I got a phone call from the clinic saying that I have an infection in my urine so I'm taking antibiotics for that. Also, I'm anemic so I have to take Iron too. Not a big deal I guess, but I thought I'd let everyone know my medical status. We're also working on our Medicaid case to make sure I can keep my medical assistance because without that, I can't do anythinggggggg. Oh well, goodnight my loves. I hope I see Andrew soon!

Monday, February 22, 2010


I feel so pathetic! I have no life, seriously. At least that's what I feel like.
I miss my friends. But now that I think about it, I guess they weren't really my friends. I guess they were just people I partied with and only called me when I did party. Now that I'm pregnant, I don't get one call, let alone a little text to hang out. BARELY anyway. And it's like well fuck you too. I wish I could be out on weekends partyin' it up like I used to be! It was fun and careless and I loved it! And now I don't really have those people that I used to have so much fun with.
Also, my boyfriend. UGH! :( It's like on the weekends he has no girlfriend. It sucks. If I do see him on the weekends, it's like at 11 o 'clock at night and it's for an hour because he wants to go home or I'm just very tired. Otherwise, he'll just ditch me. Or not call, or something. It's fucking heartbreaking. Haven't seen him since thursday, and I don't think he cares. But if I say anything to him, he always complains that I nag, so why the fuck say anything anyway!? GRR.
Well, today, I got a letter from Medicaid saying that I will no longer get medical assistance because I failed to give my caseworker info and i'm PISSED. Ugh, fucking cunt. She calls me one morning saying that she needs some of my mom's info & some of my sister's info. The catch is that she needs it all THAT DAY! and my mom is busy at work and I'm at school so wtf? Well anyway, my mom DID what she asked and gave her the information she asked for and faxed it to her before 4. And now I get this. I got this letter and bawled because what can I do? I don't have insurance because my mom got rid of it because it was expensive and never paid for anything. SO now I'm fucked. I can't pay for every doctor's visit. I can barely pay for my car payment and insurance right now. :'(
I don't know what to do about anything anymore. I'm so bummed and hurt and shocked. I'm sorry my little baby bean. I don't know if I can do this.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

I'm super bummed :(

I didn't see Andrew at all yesterday. Or today. It sucks. I really miss him.
Even being with out him for two days makes me miss him a lot. And also realize how much I love him and need him in my life as an every day thing.
I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately because I care about Andrew so much. He's my life and he keeps me going. He keeps me on my toes but also keeps me in love.
Even though he's a huge asshole sometimes, I know he really loves me, I can really tell. He's amazing in a lot of ways people don't know because he's a mean person in general. He's so mean to other people but I've gotten to know him. Not the personality that he puts out. But the funny, charming, and smart him. I love my baby to death <3.
We're going to be a cute little family. I know it's not going to be easy, or fun at times, but it'll be worth it 100%. Everyone should give me feedback, because i want to know if marriage is completely stupid for a girl my age. Or at least engagement. Hmm..
Goodnight sweethearts <3

Thursday, February 18, 2010


Yesterday and today have actually been surprisingly good. Andrew and I have been getting along verrrry well. Yesterday we spent the day together. Well, not really the day cuz I had to go to school and work but when I wasn't at school or working, we hung out. Today we hung out while I wasn't at school and went to the DOCTOR! :)
Yay! So, I was kind of scared to go to this doctor because I had never seen her before and my mom said she didn't like woman doctors because sometimes they were rougher than man doctors. IDK. She wasn't rough or anything but the BEST part was....I GOT TO HEAR THE BABY'S HEART BEAT! It was soo amazing. :) I cried lol. I got so emotional, I couldn't help it. Andrew was so happy to hear the heartbeat too, I could tell. He was so cute when we left the doctor's office, he was like "I'm so happy we're having a kid, baby" & I was very happy to hear that from him.
As much as we both mess up (mostly him ha ha), we're both going to love this baby with everything we have, I know it.
AHH. So excited for everything. YAY. kdsj;alskjf;k Ok bye.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I feel like shit everyday.

And I know it's not good for the baby! But I can't help it. I'm so stressed, I'm sick. Andrew's attitude and behavior are driving me up the wall & I don't know what to do.
Someday's we're incredibly good and other days it's super bad & i haven't even done anything! Stupid drug withdrawl symptoms, he's moody as fuck.
I find myself crying every day. & not only just some tears, it's like a bawling fit. I don't know what TO DO! I don't want to stress anymore because I've heard that can be a reason for miscarriage. & I can't have that. I'm so attached to this baby already, I can't let my baby go. I'm not even sad for me anymore. I'm sad for my unborn baby. I want it to have the best life & I feel that Andrew won't be that for the baby. I love Andrew, though. I really do. He's my everything, best friend, & I understand he's going through a rough time right now, but he's not understanding that I'M going through a rough time, too.
Being pregnant has really taken a toll on my life. I feel like I have no friends, no social life, my school work has gone down the drain, and I have no motivation for anything. GRR. I feel like my life is really going down the drain, but I know I'm better than that. I just hope Andrew can grow up too because that's one thing that's really getting to me & making me sick & stressed. I already missed 2 days of school this week.
My head ache's are getting worse and the crying fits are horrible. I feel so depressed.
The ONE thing I'm looking forward to right now is my doctor's appointment is this thursday! I don't know who's coming with me, but I know someone I love will be with me!
Ok, I'm going to try and be happy all tonight and tomorrow (even though I have to work tmr, boo.) no matter what. FOR THE BABY.
k byeee.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Today is Valentine's Day.

But it doesn't feel like it for me. Feels like any other sad day I've had this week. :( I'm pouting, is that so wrong? I feel like crap. I worked from 9-530 and I thought, maybe Andrew has something planned or he will atleast come over right when I get off...NOPE..i pick d) none of the above. He still hasn't showed up or texted in about 30 minutes and I'm just bummed. I mean, it shouldn't take a special holiday to make me happy but even a special holiday hasn't made him want to come over & see me & tell me he loves me or something. I'm really upset. I keep holding back tears.
I know I deserve a better behavior from him, but will I ever get it? I don't think so! I keep thinking about next January when I go back to school and how I won't be working because I'll have a fairly new baby and how I will have to rely on Andrew for money, & it sounds nice to have someone work for me but is that reality? I don't think so. I want to believe in him, but I can't anymore I really can't.
So am I over reacting? Or is this ok? I don't know. GRR.
I'm just so mad at everything and mostly at myself for putting myself in this situation in the first place. So, I guess I'll go to bed or something, since I have no valentine to spend it with. Good night.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

This is going to be short.

But I have a feeling that I'm going to have a baby boy. As much as I want to have a girl, I really feel that I'm going to have a boy. Either way I will be happy, as long as my baby is healthy, that's all that matters! But i want to KNOW because everytime I see baby clothes, I want to buy it. But I don't know what to get! I don't even want to get neutral because I think the gender oriented clothes are so much cuter <3 lol.
Well, the only thing left to say isss....that Andrew and I are going to Lincoln tomorrow to do some shopping for moi* I need some new clothes really bad! I got maternity pants yesterday, though, for work because I was in NEED. But I'm also going to go there and get his valentine present. Hopefully I can find a Milwaukee Brewers fitted cap black on black. I know he loves hats so I decided to get him that...good huh? Well I think so :)
K have a good day everyone!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Like my new layout?

I do! It's in honor of Valentine's Day, which is this weekend! The first time in 2 years that I have a valentine. 2 actually! Baby bean is my valentine as well as Andrew.
Well, here's a little update on what's been going on. Andrew and I are good, I'm just super emotional lately, I think sometimes I make things worse between him & I with out meaning to, ha :/.
Hmm, what else...OH YA. Chelsey and I worked together yesterday and she told me about an experience she had with some of our old friends in her class. I think it was Chase, Drew, Kellan, and some guy named Pete or Peter or something. Well anyway, they asked her if I was pregnant & she said ya (of course) and they were just baffeled. Drew & Chase were like "that's so weird/crazy blah blah blah" and I guess Kellan was talking shit. I don't know about me or me being pregnant or Andrew, not sure. Well I just want to say something in regards of that: Yes, Andrew has had some troubles and yes he's not perfect, but I can tell you right now, none of those three guys are perfect ESPECIALLY not Kellan. It hurts my heart so bad to hear that someone was talking shit on me or my man. I understand & I knew something like that would come sooner or later, but it really sucks to hear. I love Andrew with all my heart & we're both fighting to be better people for each other and our unborn child. So please, little boy, don't talk shit on someone when I can tell you right now: you're not perfect, either. Its the fact of life, guys.
Well now that I vented that, I don't have much else to tell except that we have a 5 day weekend! The only sucky part is that I work saturday and sunday and it's going to be SO busy at the red because of Valentine's Day. Is anyone doing anything special for v-day? I think Andrew and I will do something since I have sunday night off, but we'll see.
Anyway, pregnancy wise, I still haven't had my first appt. Isn't that crazy?! Everyone was so booked when I made my appt PLUS my OB/GYN was in some legal trouble at the time so he couldn't see me right away. He no longer works there (his choice) and so I got a new doctor that I've never even see! I don't even know if it's a girl or guy. I'll just have him/her for this first appt and if I feel uncomfortable, I will switch to Andrew's mom's OB/GYN because she loves her doc. I'm starting to feel a lot more pregnant, though. My tummy is getting better and Andrew and the rest of my friends & family are starting to see it. Andrew is starting to bond a little bit more with my belly, not a lot but he'll kiss it and rub it from time to time. It's cute <3. :D
Wow, I feel like this post is so long. I can't wait until I can show everyone who reads this my first baby picture. How exciting!!
Have a good day, week, and Valentine's Day everyone! <3

Sunday, February 7, 2010


This weekend hasn't been my favorite. I've definitely felt unloved and huge. My fricken work pants don't fit me, and my jeans are getting there as well.. GR
I hate feeling this way. Anyway, I guess Andrew got sick of me this week and decided to only spend a few hours with me this weekend and not see me at all today. It sucks because, I know I messed up, but I'm trying to make things more about him too, cuz I thought maybe he felt left out because I was getting attention. But now, I'm not getting any attention. I feel like I've lost all of my friends. I don't hang out with any of them, I don't even know when any of them are free because Briana works all the time and when she's not, she has plans. I feel stupid asking her all the time because the last time I asked her to hang out and stay the night all I got as a reply was "I have plans already" So I'm like cooool. And Chelsey will always be my best friend, but again, always working when I'm not and I'm working when she's not and then plans fall thru. Then my other friends like Aubrey, Rikki, and Justine seem to get a hold of me only to tell me they miss me, not to actually hang out with me. I don't know, its really tough. I feel like I have no one. Not even my family because my sister is always with her boyfriend and I love hanging out with my mom, but most of the time she is hanging out with my cousins and my aunt. But I don't know, I guess I must just be a drama queen. It's probably all in my head.

anyway, I'm like very sick of school right now, even this 3 day week seems like it's going to be a drag. I don't want to do it anymore. :( I'm so sick of dealing with life, and the sucky part is that I got myself in to everything that I'm in. I don't know if I can do this, I feel like I can barely keep myself alive and well, how can I be a mom to a precious little creature? I don't think I can. I'm not sure what to think or do right now. I guess, whatever. I don't know.

Everyone have a good night, please, for me? <3

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Teen Mom Finale Special.

WOW. I love watching these girls every week, I feel a lot closer to them and other teen moms. we kind of all have a bond.
Anyway, life has been good the past few days. Andrew and I are mending a lot right now, and I believe we're doing better.
It's just going to take a lot for my love to grow for him again. It's like the stage he went thru was very unattractive and it made me not love him as much, but he is changing: I can tell. I can see it. and best of all, my mom and his mom see it too. It's so exciting! :D
Anyway, Andrew and I are watching his one year old brother, Grey. I'm excited because we need the practice for our own baby. Well anyway, I'm going to bed, because I'm tired and Andrew's here so I think I will be giving him my attention tonight :). Later