Sunday, May 30, 2010

I'm so scared of growing up.

I've been really thinking about actually growing up lately. I want to be as mentally prepared for my new life as possible. Every day, my due date is getting closer and closer. It doesn't seem like it's that close, but August will be here before I know it. June's already around the corner! I'm scared, anxious, nervous, but happy and almost ready for what's coming my way: a new baby, bills, extra work, more responsibilities, and less freedom. Well, almost no freedom. :/ I'm not too worried about my freedom though. I've learned to really accept spending a lot more time at home and I now actually prefer that.
The thing I'm really worried about is money & how I will be as a mother..
It's a scary thought, that I so young, will be caring for someone else now. Someone that is going to need me 24/7 365 days. I think I will enjoy it, though. I've always been that kind of person that longs to be needed by someone else. That's why I think I kind of like that Andrew needs me so much. It makes me love him that he's sort of helpless. Although, I know he's not & he could make for himself if he truly wanted to. I just think he likes me taking care of him though. :)

Money isn't coming to me so easy lately, though. My job is giving me only about 10-15 hours a week which is about 100-120 dollars a week. Paying for gas & my bills, drains me of everything I earn. How am I supposed to get Cole's stroller, carseat, bouncer, swing, and pack N play? I know not alll of those things are necessary, but I want Cole to be a happy AND comfortable baby. Also, when I move to Lincoln in the spring of next year, I'm scared that rent & day care will also drain me. I won't have as much time to work because I'll be going to school full-time, & I'm scared that college won't work out for me. I hope it does, because I really want to make a future for Cole & I & hopefully Andrew, if he wants to be a part of our family. Which I reallllly hope he would LOVE to be a part of me & Cole forever. Atleast Cole. It would break my heart if Andrew left me, but it would just KILL me if Andrew left Cole. I don't see either of those things happening though, because Andrew has really been trying a little bit harder each day to make things right. It seems like he's actually starting to go through with his job search and actually FILLING OUT the applications, and he's spending A LOT more time with me, and even my family. It's amazing!

He doesn't call me mommy yet, but he will when he's actually here & ready :)

Exciting events coming up for me!:

Get to see my little sisters June 6 or 7!
1st baby shower, July 1


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