Sunday, January 31, 2010

Before I ramble about my dramatic life...

...I'd like to thank everyone that reads this and gives me that extra strength I need. Many people message me on Facebook to let me know they read this, and offer good, encouraging advice! It's amazing, there are so many amazing on this earth.

Now, today wasn't a bad day. I woke up very tired, even though I slept forever, it felt like. I worked from 1030 to about 245 and then had lunch at Red Lobster with my best friend.
It was an okay day, because then Andrew came and picked me up and we went to go get my ring sized. Chantal (at riddle's jewelry, she's my friend's mom) helped us, and she was very interested in my ring. It's beautiful, but she wanted to know if it was a WEDDING ring, lol. I said UHHH no. But then I got to thinking, what is this ring for? But I came to the conclusion that it's a promise ring. I don't know if Andrew and I are going to be together forever or even for the next year, I have no idea, but I do know that by giving me this ring, he has promised me that he loves me and he will be here for me and our baby forever. I know we'll always be ok, even if we don't stay together. I can see that now.
I feel happy today. I'm glad we started out fresh. I needed that, he needed that. And we're ok..for now. As much as I don't like saying that, you never know. But I do believe that Andrew and I can make it through anything. So maybe we are meant forever? I don't know. Well anyway, I'll leave it there, before I start thinking too much, that always gets me in trouble, lol.
Good night! <3

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Today has been the worst day of my life..

..and I believe it really has been. And the most fucked up part, is that it's all my fault.
You guys remember me mentioning my friend Colin a couple of times, right? Well, hold on.....let me rewind!

**Yesterday, Andrew sent me roses to work and this morning he told me he loves me so much and gave me a ring. WOW right, he's never been this kind of guy.
Well anyway, Colin and I have been talking a lot lately and he's a very sweet guy. And yes, I admit, I do like him. I don't think that's so bad, especially when Andrew is an asshole every other day. But I also do admit, I saw him trying a little more, it was just like, he only tried one week. Like, that's not enough. Anyway, while I was in the shower this morning, he read through my texts and got very pissed at the fact that Colin and I texted so much and it sounded like we were "together". Which we're not. I'm a single girl, and I wasn't planning on getting with anyone, because I'm not sure what I want right now. Well anyway, he called his MOM asap and now she's yelling at me too. So I got shit from both of them, and now I'm just fucked. Fucked. That's it.
So anyway, the words that he said that really stick in my head shot me in the heart. Like they seriously wanted to make me just die right then and there. He told me: "I feel sorry for our kid to have such a fucked up mom." And that seriously shot me in the heart. Hearing that made me want to die because the thing I'm most scared about is not being a good enough mom to my baby. Because I love him/her SO much already. More than anything on this world. and he just made my biggest fear come true.
I feel like the BIGGEST piece of shit now. I know I shouldn't of been trying to find attention from another guy, but I wasn't getting any from Andrew. Everyone who reads this know what a battle it is with Andrew. Well I guess now it is for sure over. And I can't believe I broke this guy's heart as bad as I did. Like all I can do right now is cry, because yeah, I fucked up and don't deserve to have someone love me like he does, but I also fucked up for my baby. I'm sorry, little cub. I messed up and now I don't think you have your daddy. I love you...

Well I guess I'm done for today. I have a jewelry party later, which sucks because I can't stop crying. Not at all. I just start to think about it just one bit and the waterworks run. GRR. I am fucked up.
Sorry I'm not gunna be a great mom, cub. :(


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Today I was thinking...

...about my upcoming life. How crazy that in such a short time, I'm going to be on my own, with a baby, and in COLLEGE. I can't even believe that.
I'm very very very VERY scared, but I'm so excited to meet my lil girl/man and give them the best life I can.
I'm not too excited for college, cuz it will be super tough, and even tougher with my baby, but I'm not scared. I've gotten through 12 years of high school. 4 years more won't be so bad.
Oh well, life will be good, the best I can make it.
Andrew has been nice lately, and its nice, but its not exactly what I want. He said he got a job at Pizza Hut, I'm just waiting for the proof, you know?
I don't want to think its too good to be true buuut, um, yeah.
Well, I'm very emotional this week, so I'm freaking out on any one! Grr. Well, anyway, I think I'll go ahead and look for food and do my homework and then go to bed.
Good night everyone! <3

Monday, January 25, 2010


Grr, I don't know if I should just be relieved that Andrew and I are no longer together, and just move on, or should I keep working at it? I'm not sure what to do..I need SOMEONE to fricken take care of me. I guess I can do it by myself but I don't want to. GRR.
What to do. What the fuck to do.

Well, on another note, I'm fricken sick and tired of school. It just feels like its dragging on, day after day. Everything is getting so tough.
Well, hope every other baby mama out there is doing good, and everyone else as well. G'nite!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

I'm so done

I honestly feel like I don't want to live anymore. Nothing is right anymore, and I don't know how to make it right. I told Andrew today that I'm done, very done, and if he wants to make it better, then its up to him. Because I'm done dealing with his bullshit all the time. He doesn't appreciate or care.
Well, guess I'm doing this all alone. I'm scared, nervous, and pissed. But I will just deal with this shit. I don't want to complain because it's not like I'm the first single teen mom. UGH.
Well, that's it. Ciao.

Friday, January 22, 2010

According to you...

This is how Andrew thinks: According to you, I'm stupid, I'm useless, I can't do anything right. According to you, I'm difficult, hard to please, forever changing my mind.
And this is how he should be thinking: But according to him, I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me outta his head. According to him, I'm funny, irresistable, everything he ever wanted.

Lol, is that so lame that I love that song for those lyrics. I relate so well. Because Andrew doesn't appreciate me or pamper me or take care of me AT ALL. and I wish he would. & I bet everyone that reads this blog is like "shut up, bitch, stop whining, do something about it!" Well guess what, people?! It's not that fucking easy.
Of course I could just leave him and try and find something else, but Andrew and I are now forever linked and I can't get that out of my head.
If I wasn't pregnant, I don't think I'd be with him, though. Ouch, huh. Well I don't know, he doesn't deserve this last last chance I'm giving him, but I'm happy he's using it.

...I just know I could be happier with someone else who would do things for me starting day one. or even before that. UGH. Ok, advice? I doubt I'll take it, but it's always hard to hear. Thanks loves <3

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I'm not sure what's right anymore.

I just got off of the phone with Colin, who is a very good friend of mine. He really made me think, but now I don't know what I'm doing, what I should do, or what's going to happen. He really boggled my mind, in a good way and a bad way. He's an amazing guy, and I wish Andrew could be more like him. He knows how to treat a girl, and be there for a girl too. Anyway, he opened my eyes to Andrew even now. Just because it's good right now, will it be good in the next 4 years? 5 years? the rest of our lives?
Ugh, I'm so confused on what to do. I feel that I need to be with Andrew, but I keep thinking: he doesn't have a job, no car, he doesn't even show up to school barely. And I: have had the same job for 2 years, just bought a new car, and I try very hard in school. He looks like a loser next to me and I HATE that. I know the kind of man my baby and I need, I just want Andrew to be that man. Maybe it'll hit him once I have the baby, but then again, maybe it'll be too late for me to be happy with him.
All I know, is that it is good now, but if he trys to pull ANY bullshit with me, I'm done. I don't need to deal with someone who doesn't want to make me happy 24/7.

All I want to say, is that we thought of names and I'm excited! I'm just looking forward to the baby and I don't need a man there if he's not going to be there! I love my little cub and when he or she is here, I know I'll be the best mommy I can be <3

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


Ugh! I've got the worst migraine right now. My head is pounding. But, I have to work at 5. I definitely DON'T want to, ha. I want to be lazy today, and every day! But I need to work today because I gave up my this saturday morning shift so I can sleep in for once! :) yaaay! I need some extra sleep.
Andrew and I have been doing wonderful, he just still needs to get a job. If he could do that, and show up to school every day instead of every other day, I believe things could get even better.
I talked to Raymond a bit today (my college advisor) and he told me to call him when I got off work to talk about my options. He said it's good news! So I'm very excited! :D
Well, I think that's all for today. Ciao!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Quick Update.

I was watching the Teen Mom aftershow just a bit ago and I cried many times, lol. It was amazing to see not only the cast of Teen Mom talking about stuff, but other teen moms, too.
That brings me to the point of teen dads. I completely agree with the girls. Teen moms are looked at like their losers and sluts because their pregnant at a young age but the dads are like, whatever. No one ever thinks about the dads like they do the moms because the dads don't show their pregnant! It's sad. because i know i'm gunna get a lot of shit, while Andrew doesn't get anything. The most he's gotten is that his friends asked him if I'm really pregnant. UUUUGHGGHGH.
Also, I want to say, I'm confused. Andrew and I have been great for these past 3 days, but I also know theres someone out there who is so much better for me. Who doesn't try, but does all the time. But at the same time, I want our baby to see it's parents together. I know I love Andrew SO much, but sometimes love isn't enough to keep two people together. I don't know, all I know is that I will give up my happiness and my pride many times over to make sure my baby has the chance to have its father in its life.
have a good day everyone. By the wayyy...anyone have a good middle name for Analee or Sophia? Help me out!

Sunday, January 17, 2010


...has been amazing. Work wasn't totally exhausting and I had a great talk with a co-worker. Then, I went home and chilled until Andrew was ready for us to go out to dinner. :) It was a great night with him, I feel like we haven't been as good as we were today in a very long time. I hope that we can stay this way! I love him so much. and I want everything to be perfect..for us and for our baby.
Well, I'm pretty exhausted, so I think it's time for bed. Nighty Night! :)

Saturday, January 16, 2010


I'm a lil sad...I'm looking at all these cute summer clothes, and guess what! I'm going to be SUPER prego during the summer. :( lol.
Well anyway, I have to go to work soon :( I don't want to, but the only reason I'm looking forward to it is because Mr. Eye-Candy works tonight. hahahha.
Just innocent looking, duh!
But anyway, I'm starting to feel a little more pregnant. I'm 10 weeks pregnant aaandd getting more and more excited each day!
well I'm keeping this short, don't have much to update on or write about so good bye!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Ugh, this week has been rediculous!

I've been SO tired this week. I'm just glad to say I got at least one scholarship down, two to go! I still need to e-mail my college advisor Raymond and ask him what to do! I'm due August 12 so, I'm worried how I'll be able to go to college my first semester. Hmm..
Anyway, Andrew and I have been SO up and down lately, it's crazy! Yesterday was good, though. He came over when I got out of school and just pampered me. He gave me a million massages, made me laugh, made me spaghetti and stayed the night. Yesterday gives me hope for the future for us. Even if we don't work out, we're linked for life by our child.
Ah! I'm getting SO excited for this baby. I wish I was about to pop tomorrow or something! I know maybe it's not the best timing, but this child is going to be such a blessing. I really hope it's a girl and if it is, I think I will name her Analee. I love that name! I'm not sure on a middle name, but I'm sure I'll think of something.
Well, I work tonight and hopefully I will hang out with some girlfriends tonight. I'm excited! But, I think that's all I have to update on!
Have a great day every one. <3

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Taking a break...

...From Hamlet. My eyes are so watery from trying to read that book. I do NOT understand it. It's crazy hard language! Wtf, Shakespere?!
Anyway, today has actually been better than most. I found out last night that Andrew is going back to school, which makes me very happy. He also called today and wants to come over tonight and talk. Maybe it will do something, and maybe it won't, but I guess I will have to wait and see..
Hm, new episode of Teen Mom tonight, I LOVE that show, its great and those girls give me the strength to keep going. They are all amazing!
I've been thinking a lot last night and today. I talked to my friend Colin on the phone tonight and it cleared my head and clouded it at the same time! I'm not sure what's going to happen with aaaaaaanything anymore and it's so scary!
I'm also scared because even though I'm only at 10 weeks pregnant, I feel like I'm starting to show. I guess to other people I only look like I'm getting fatter, but I suppose they know. I know a lot of people know. :/ it's good but totally stressing. I feel like when I'm walking down the hall, everyone is staring at me. GRRR.
Anyway, I guess I better get back to Hamlet and my notes. (boo)
I'll definitely update you on whether Andrew and I get anything resolved!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Its been a couple of days....

But, I'm back. And not well at all.
Andrew and I broke up on Thursday. I want to say it's for good, but at the same time, I don't want to see him go. I do love the guy, no matter how tough he can be sometimes. It's like I'm holding on to those days where nothing else mattered but us. And now, we're not like that anymore. Can that even be possible? It's only been a little over a year, I guess, so maybe it's just the hormones talking. but oh well. Life is so not grand at the moment and I want my old life back: when i wasn't pregnant. Cuz now that I am, I feel like everything I ever had or dreamed of doing, is gone. Vanished.
I don't know what to do with myself.
My main concern right now is college. I'm graduating this year, in May, and I'm super excited, but what do I do when fall of '10 comes around and I'm just about to deliver my baby? It may not seem that complicated, like I can just go to the community college in the spring or take online classes, but see here: I have a full ride scholarship awaiting me in the fall of '10 and a few other scholarships lined up if that fails. It's put me in a rut and i feel that I can't sleep because it's all I think about.
Not only that, but the baby's daddy has become even lazier. I don't want that anymore..before I got pregnant, I'm not gonna lie, we partied hard. Like rockstars, and I'm not exaggerating. It was unhealthy, hazerdous but it was FUN. It brought us together because it was something we did together, that we loved doing. & now, I can't and won't do that stuff and he will and continues to. It hurts that it seems like he's not gonna change at all. Because I'm already changed. Not completely. But I am.
I feel like I need to take care of myself. Not that he's always taken care of me, because i guess it's me always taking care of him, but I don't need him if all it's doing is causing stress. I don't know. My baby's not even born...does he/she already need a new daddy? Ugh :(


Thursday, January 7, 2010

Mad at myself..but I need to keep my head up.

Last night & today have been sad.. :(
I've just been thinking about everything & my hormones aren't helping at all. I'm really upset that I'm pregnant right now. Like I'm happy that through this mess, God is blessing me, but I'm upset that I could've prevented this and I was too "lazy" or too "in the moment" to take the necessary precautions. :'(
it's sad...i don't know what to think. I'm only 18..
I feel stupid..

I think I should go think..

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Hello again. I'm just lounging on the couch, enjoying my time before I have to go to work. I work as a hostess at Red Lobster and I love it. Everyone there is so amazing and supportive!
Today was my first day back to school as a pregnant woman, ha. It wasn't bad. Some people were staring at me, but it was no thang. I'm trying not to let it bother me at all, but its a little bit hard!
I'm getting excited for everything. I'm only about 9 weeks a long but I can already see some small changes in my body. Its getting a little bit more real, but its time for me to buckle down for my unborn baby.
Pretty much everyone knows, I'm just waiting for someone to say something negative to me. I know it will happen. Well, maybe not to me, but behind my back. One of my old elementary friends texted me when she saw the news on facebook (I posted a status that hinted towards my pregnancy) and it made me feel amazing. She was super supportive and it meant a lot to me! I hope a lot more people are like that, everything will be great.
After a month of being carless, I finally got a new car last night! It took almost 2 hours because my mom is a bargainer (hahah) but I got an '04 Chrysler Sebring. I LOVE IT! It's silver and super new looking and clean. It's beautiful! It's my baby--for the time being!
On a different note, Andrew is trying to get back in to school. He got in trouble last semester and stopped going to school all together. Hopefully with this baby he will step it up, at school and at work, because I love him SOSO much and I want him to be helping me now and when the baby comes.
Well, I'm going to go research some baby names :). If I have a boy, for sure his name will be Cole, like his daddy. (Andrew's middle name is Cole). And if its a girl, Andrew and I are still looking. I love the name Sofia and was so set on it, but Andrew doesn't like it. Poo :(
Hope everyone that reads this isn't stuck in the snow like me!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

First Blog. Get to know me.

Hi, I'm Carolina and I'm 18 years old. I'm a high school senior and I will be graduating in May of this year.
About 3 weeks ago, my life went for a huge loop! I found out I am pregnant. I cried and cried for about a week, and my boyfriend was shocked as well. It's not fun to find out your pregnant at such a young age, I'm just glad I'm just about graduated! At first, I thought my life was over. Honestly. But now, I love this little life in me, and I've realized that yeah, haters are gunna hate, and gunna talk. Well I say FUCK THEM! Yeah thats right. Keep talking your shit about me being pregnant, I DON'T CARE. I'm fine and comfortable with it now. I just keep thinking that God is giving me this life to take care of and I'm not going to mess it up or let people mess it up for me.
This blog isn't about what you should do, how you should eat, or blah blah blah while being pregnant. This blog is about my life being pregnant and also, after it, when I have my baby.
I'm 9 weeks pregnant, and I'm getting a little excited. It's very in between right now, though, cuz I'm not showing, I don't feel that much different, and I can pretty much do anything I could before. I did quit smoking though, which if you are prego, you should definitely stop right now! I quit partying because alcohol is a big NO during pregnancy and I even gave up drinking caffinated soda. Junk food is still hard to give up, cuz I'm a chubby girl at heart. But I'm working hard on taking care of myself.
Well, I have a boyfriend of a little over a year and he's awesome. We have fun together and he's my best friend, so I'm glad he's going to be my baby's daddy. We both have things to work on, but I know we can do it. Its going to be a tough ride, but I'm reaaddddyyy!
Well, tata for now, my boyfriend and I are going to go car shopping!
Take care everyone.