Thursday, April 14, 2011


I think I complain way too much. That is my biggest flaw, I think. I just complain and a lot of the times, I do nothing about it. I could be a lot more proactive in my life than I actually am..
Hard to admit, actually. Anyway, my life hasn't been all that exciting. Just being a mom, student, and part time server at the Lob. I'm just still trying to find that balance in life. I'm still not 100% sure if I want to pursue my BA. It sounds good and all, its just so hard focusing on school when I have a baby. Especially when I have a baby and a boyfriend that still acts like a kid. Don't get me wrong, I love Andrew, but our relationship is so inconsistent right now, I don't know if school can be for me. Everyone's like "you can do it, you can do it" and it's like I know I can, but I don't know if I want to work that damn hard for it. It's a struggle everyday. I hate it. I love it. I don't care about it, but I do. I don't know what I'm going to do. I signed up for my classes next semester and I pray to God that next semester goes better than this one, but I DON'T KNOW! I'm scared of failure and maybe that's why I don't want to go back. Or maybe it's because I'd like to pay all my bills on time and would rather work than rely on someone else to make most of the income.
I like having the security of when I'M making a lot of money that way I KNOW that things will get paid. With Andrew, he's a lot more irresponsible with his money than I'd like. I understand we're young and still learning, but c'mon. I need that consistent money coming in to pay. If it were just me, it'd be so easy. But it's not. I have a family, and I think we both need to be putting equal amount in. If not, how the hell is this family supposed to work? I don't know.
We both still have a lot of growing up to do. I just think some of my growing up is maybe not being so uptight. I need to learn to go out and have a good time once in a while. I need to learn to put myself first in some situations so I don't lose my mind. I need to learn that while being a mom is my first and foremost job, I need to be happy so Cole can be happy. And maybe I have learned that. I think I'm just scared to do anything "teen-like" because I don't want people that look down on teen moms to be "right" about me. I don't want to give them a reason to be like "wow, that's why teenagers shouldn't be moms" or blah blah blah. I don't know. I hate it when people talk shit. I hate it when they talk shit about me, and I think that's why I'm so careful about what I do. Because I do see a lot of teen moms go out excessively. Who's taking care of their babies? I don't know. It makes me feel sad, though. I don't know. Maybe I'm just an "over-the-top" mom.

Sorry about that rant. *vent over*


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