Saturday, January 30, 2010

Today has been the worst day of my life..

..and I believe it really has been. And the most fucked up part, is that it's all my fault.
You guys remember me mentioning my friend Colin a couple of times, right? Well, hold on.....let me rewind!

**Yesterday, Andrew sent me roses to work and this morning he told me he loves me so much and gave me a ring. WOW right, he's never been this kind of guy.
Well anyway, Colin and I have been talking a lot lately and he's a very sweet guy. And yes, I admit, I do like him. I don't think that's so bad, especially when Andrew is an asshole every other day. But I also do admit, I saw him trying a little more, it was just like, he only tried one week. Like, that's not enough. Anyway, while I was in the shower this morning, he read through my texts and got very pissed at the fact that Colin and I texted so much and it sounded like we were "together". Which we're not. I'm a single girl, and I wasn't planning on getting with anyone, because I'm not sure what I want right now. Well anyway, he called his MOM asap and now she's yelling at me too. So I got shit from both of them, and now I'm just fucked. Fucked. That's it.
So anyway, the words that he said that really stick in my head shot me in the heart. Like they seriously wanted to make me just die right then and there. He told me: "I feel sorry for our kid to have such a fucked up mom." And that seriously shot me in the heart. Hearing that made me want to die because the thing I'm most scared about is not being a good enough mom to my baby. Because I love him/her SO much already. More than anything on this world. and he just made my biggest fear come true.
I feel like the BIGGEST piece of shit now. I know I shouldn't of been trying to find attention from another guy, but I wasn't getting any from Andrew. Everyone who reads this know what a battle it is with Andrew. Well I guess now it is for sure over. And I can't believe I broke this guy's heart as bad as I did. Like all I can do right now is cry, because yeah, I fucked up and don't deserve to have someone love me like he does, but I also fucked up for my baby. I'm sorry, little cub. I messed up and now I don't think you have your daddy. I love you...

Well I guess I'm done for today. I have a jewelry party later, which sucks because I can't stop crying. Not at all. I just start to think about it just one bit and the waterworks run. GRR. I am fucked up.
Sorry I'm not gunna be a great mom, cub. :(



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